South African

Gaining perspective about my time in Ukraine

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

As I continue to explore the theme ‘Surrender,’ and it being 3 months since I went to Ukraine, I have finally got time to reflect and write about it.  I’ve got to be honest with you. I have struggled writing about my experience in Ukraine because my experience was completely different to what I had expected it would be. It’s taken me some time to understand it; to understand what I did experience versus what I wanted to experience.

When I went to Ukraine, I was faced with some unforeseen challenges that shaped my experience into something completely different to what I had expected it would be. To appreciate it and learn from it, I’ve had to acknowledge how focusing on my expectations and not on what it was, led to some feelings of disappointment, like it was ‘less.’ My expectations were that I would meet and get to know many more Ukrainians than I did. I would spend much more time with them than I did. I would be able to interview them in the way that I normally do. When this did not happen as much as I wanted it to happen, I felt disappointed and frustrated and this blinded me to what my experience really was and the insights and lessons available to me. I had to let go of my expectations for me to see it for what it is and the value in the experience.

Since getting back to South Africa, I’ve also had to get stuck into my photography work. I have been completely focused on my day job (!) which is an agricultural and commercial photographer! Simply put, I’ve needed to replenish the bank account since going to Europe and it’s absorbed me and it’s been necessary!  At the same time, I often think of the incredible Ukrainians I met and how I want to tell you about them; how what they are experiencing is real and heart breaking. How tears rolled down an old man’s eyes when I told him that people as far as the southern tip of Africa, are thinking of them, support them and care about what is happening to them.

I need to tell you about my experience in Ukraine, that was neither what I expected nor what you would expect from a photographer and writer going to a warzone. I need to let go of all those expectations and write from the heart and tell you what this time was for me in the way of the Ukrainians I met, the volunteers I met and how this experience has taught me so much about my own life and what I will do (and what I won’t do) in the future. I have come back to South Africa knowing so much more about myself and about how to go forward with Rosie Goes and of course, so much more about the Ukrainians and what they are experiencing.

When I was debating whether to go to Ukraine or not, I asked myself some hard questions. Why would I go to Ukraine? I hardly knew anything about it prior to this war.

I was invited to join a group of volunteers (who are also my incredible friends!) and who were raising funds and delivering food and essential supplies to Ukraine from Germany and the Czech Republic every two weeks on their weekends. Other than that and the news, I honestly knew very little about Ukraine – probably not enough in most people’s minds to go there and experience it during a war.

There were many possible reasons for me to do something like this. Reasons that would justify me going and reasons that would not. Was this trip aligned with Rosie Goes and the theme I am exploring, ‘To surrender.’ Or was it something else? Was it many things? Why would I do such a thing as a South African who knew very little about Ukraine?

Some people have put it down to a midlife crisis. And maybe that’s part of it, although I would not call it a crisis, but rather a massive life change that is aligned with being true to myself and choosing not to live my life in a box that I did not fit. A crisis would also suggest that once I’ve got this trip and experience out of my system, I would come to my senses. I’d remember the plot, and get back in my box! But this is the thing, this is not a once off – this is a way of life I am choosing, one that fulfils me, and gives me a purpose that sets my soul on fire!

Another reason for me going to Ukraine, is literally because I asked for it. I put it out there that I wanted an experience that was ‘out of Africa’ and that would give me insight into the theme ‘surrender/acceptance.’ My ‘out of Africa experience’ came via Facebook a couple weeks later, though at the time, I was not clear how Ukraine was linked to the topic I am exploring.

I was invited to go to Ukraine but I needed to get there within the next couple of weeks. In 2 weeks, I needed to get my finances in order, receive an invitation from the Ukraine government, drive to Joburg and apply for a Ukrainian visa, then apply for a Schengen visa which can take weeks …all in the month of April when South Africa is full up with public holidays and literally shuts down for the month! I decided to go if the ‘seemingly impossible’ happened in the time it needed to happen and if things just flowed! And it did, like magic! I took it as a sign that this is something I should do.

The ultimate decision maker came in the way of a brief interaction with a fuel pump attendant. I had just filled up my tank and was evidently surprised by the price of fuel and the amount I needed to pay. The man looked at me, then said, ‘We should be supporting Russia. If we support what they are doing in Ukraine, we would not be paying these prices.’

I did not react to his comment but it gave me absolute clarity about what I feel strongly about and that Ukraine feels so far away from us and so foreign to us South Africans. It’s easy to make a thoughtless comment that suggests it’s okay for the Russians to kill Ukrainians in a hostile land grab, because we cannot see their faces. It’s easy to make a comment without thinking about what you are really saying and supporting.  It’s also easy to turn our heads away from abuse, because it serves us. To side with the bully, and they feed us their crumbs and fool us into thinking it’s loaves of bread, until it happens to you. That day when you are fighting for your life and I turn my head and walk away because it does not serve me to stand up for you.

I realised that I simply had an opportunity that not many others have had, to know more. To put a face to the Ukrainians, and when we are commenting about what to support and what not to support, we see a person.

“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”
― Virginia Woolf

In the next couple posts, I will continue to share with you what I did experience and how it’s taught me some more about what it is to surrender to ‘what is’ before we can move forward. How having expectations about how something should be, can stop us seeing what we need to see and not always what we want to see.

Arrested in Ukraine

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

It’s taken me a few days to wind down after the last couple weeks and to process the time I was in Ukraine. Soon after I left Ukraine, I felt ready to go home – to be in my own bed, to be around people who speak the same language as me and to simply be in a place that feels familiar. Thankfully I was convinced to stay longer in Europe and to spend some days writing notes and getting clarity on what this time has been and what I have learned through having this experience of going to Ukraine now.

In hindsight, I had expectations of what this trip would be like. I know now that having any expectations at all, was somewhat naive! After all, the only solid plan I had was to get to Ukraine, to interview the internally displaced Ukrainians for 2 days and to fly back to South Africa at the end of the month. There was a big blank space on the timeline and with that, the good possibility that I’d experience many things that I had not expected! Did I ever mention to you that I have mostly been with a group of dedicated Czech and German volunteers squatting in Slovakia and delivering food and supplies across the Slovakian/Ukrainian border post to places in Ukraine that are not being serviced by the bigger NGO’s?!!! To complicate matters, I am an African passport holder and this came with a whole set of unexpected challenges! Let’s just say that the Slovakian border post officials were not that happy about me being there and I was met with long, intent gazes – not the admiring kind! But I will save that for another post!

Before I got to Ukraine, I expected ‘communication’ to be difficult since I only speak English, but I really had no idea to what extent this would challenge me; how I would be heavily dependent on translators to communicate, but would not have them for the most part!  That meant that verbal communication was mostly ‘out.’ Instead, I needed to focus and rely on non-verbal communication and to find the unspoken story. I needed to pay attention to the tone in someone’s voice, their gestures, the lines on their face, their hand signals, their expressions, their body language, their actions and the way they choose to spend their time. There were times when I managed just fine, but there were also times that ‘communication’ was urgently needed but just not possible!

Last but not least, I knew that I was going into a war zone but I had no real idea of what to expect. I was ‘green’ as you get. I quickly learned that travelling in a war zone comes with its own set of rules, of things to be aware of and things not to do. Though I did not go to any of the ‘hot zone,’ areas that are under attack or being occupied by Russian forces, there are constant reminders that you are in a country that is being violently invaded and the danger you feel is real. Tensions are high and most Ukrainians are on high alert.  

My first day in Ukraine jolted me into reality, that I was actually in a war zone and needed to treat this experience as “someone’ in a war zone, and not as a tourist exploring a new country! Don’t get me wrong, I was already terrified. The fear of the unknown was immense and the friends who had travelled with me to Ukraine, had already crossed the border with a dozen boxes of cats and dogs and were hundreds of miles away from me, on the road back to Germany.

I was alone in Ukraine. A mother of 2, a blogger, a South African who does not speak a stitch of Ukrainian and who was travelling in a war zone with zero friends or connections! It was during those first couple days that I self-diagnosed myself as stark-raving mad, but that kind of thinking did not make me feel better or braver or change the fact that ‘it’s too late baby girl, you’re already in Ukraine. Now put your ‘big girl panties’ on and deal with what you have asked for!’

On my first day there I woke up to the sound of an alarm. Not the usual sounding Samsung alarm that gently nudges me from my slumber and into the new day, but the sound of a ‘missile alarm,’ alerting us of a missile on its way to somewhere in our region and that we should take cover immediately! But where was the damn bomb shelter anyway?

A ‘missile warning’ usually means you have between 5 – 20 minutes before the missile reaches its target. This got me good! I was already a wreck knowing that the night before, it had taken me over half an hour to ask the receptionist via google translate whether I could stay for another night in their accommodation! Did I even have enough time to ask the receptionist this question?!

First lesson: Find out if there is a bomb shelter and if so, where is it?

My second big lesson of the day came during an afternoon stroll in the town, when I took a photo of a dandelion, lit in golden light and perfectly positioned in front of an old garden gate that led to a cute match-box Ukrainian-looking house. It was picture perfect and I instinctively lifted up my camera and clicked the shutter button!

At that moment, another alarm went off. It was the voice of a very, very angry sounding woman. I turned around and saw that she was shouting at me while vigorously waving her pointed finger up and down. I did not know what she was saying, but it didn’t take me long to realise that she was unhappy about me taking a photo. I tried to explain to her in English that ‘I mean no harm, that I am just taking a photo of a flower,’ but it fell on deaf ears and her shouting got louder and louder the more I spoke. I decided it was best just to keep quiet, to put my camera away and to continue walking down the street. That’s when I noticed her take out her phone and make a call. I had a bad feeling that this was not the end of it and I was right!

Minutes later, I watched in disbelief as a car came racing up to me at full speed then slammed on breaks in front of me. Two big armed men got out and approached me. They were also very angry. I realized then that these two men were in the military. They started shouting something at me in Ukrainian and I said to them “I’m sorry, I can’t understand you, I can only speak English.”

“Passport,” they shouted. “Give me passport.”

And then I realized, I had left my passport at the ‘accommodation’ and only had a photocopy of my passport! One of the few things I had been told to do, was to always carry my passport with me and I had forgotten the damn thing in my room! I fumbled in my camera bag for the photocopy, noticing how me doing this seemed to make them even more suspicious of me, as if I was about to whip out a gun and start shooting.

I handed them the photocopy, trying hard to stop my hands from shaking. At this point, I think my body clicked into survival mode, I started to breathe very slowly and spoke calmly and clearly ‘that my passport was not with me but I have this.’ I remembered the time I was almost arrested in Mozambique for taking a picture of a statue and how my reaction to the police threatening me, was angry and aggressive and only made the situation worse. I thought to myself, ‘No, don’t be that. Be calm and be friendly.’

They took the photocopy and looked at it and then looked at me as if I was stupid, or the enemy, or an illegal immigrant from Africa – I can’t be sure – and they said, “Get in this car.”

Now I was really scared. I was about to get in the car with 2 armed men, not knowing where they were taking me. I thought to phone a friend, but they were on the other side of the world from me and wouldn’t be able to help even if they wanted to! I thought of sending them a ‘location pin’ of the place I was last at… before she disappeared in a strange car, never to be seen again! Or I could just talk to them, be respectful, smile and be very unthreatening. I realized that that was really my only option! And in that moment, I felt very grateful for almost being arrested in Mozambique and learning what not to do in a situation like this!

I looked at the reflection of the military man in the rearview mirror and smiled nervously at him, then told him “I am now very scared. I have never been arrested before! I think I am going to be the first South African arrested in Ukraine!”

At this this point, something seemed to click and his face relaxed just slightly and he told me, “You, no scared.”

They took me to the military headquarters…which was not so far from the place I was taking photos at. Their extreme and aggressive reaction to me taking photos of a dandelion started to make more sense to me. How strange must it have been for a foreign-looking woman walking towards the military headquarters taking photos of flowers and buildings during a war! For the next hour, I was questioned by someone in the military who could thankfully speak English. They then called the commander-in-chief to interview me too, and to double check that I am who I am – a particularly naive photographer from South Africa genuinely taking photos of a dandelion in a war zone!

I showed them pictures of my kids, my dog and a lion I had spotted in the Kruger National Park in 2020 and invited them all on Safari once the war is over! They seemed to like this and they finally believed that I am who I am and told me not to take photos near the military again. They then offered me coffee and cigarettes. But I declined their offer and told them, ‘No, now what I really need is Vodka!’

Lion in the Kruger National Park

I was relieved beyond words when this arrest was ‘diffused’ and it finally ended with a warning and some laughs! I think it was a good lesson to learn early on and besides, I needed a reality check. I was in a damn warzone, not on tour! Going forward, I would be very, very cautious about taking photos. It was only once I was in the Czech Republic that I dared take a photo of a dandelion again, a whole magnificent field of them!

I also learned that there have been cases of Russians posing as journalists with cameras in hand, walking down the streets as I did and identifying new targets for missiles. With this in mind, I fully understood why things unfolded like they did and I commend the Ukrainian military for taking something like this so seriously and for being so professional about it. I also began to understand the brutality of this war and what the Ukrainians are up against. This is a ruthless war, with every target being intentional, exposing the real reason for this war and not the propaganda Russia would like the world to believe. When buildings that house civilians are targeted, when children are deliberately killed, when busses full of civilians trying to flee the conflict are hit – Putin’s true intention is revealed. Actions speak louder than any words. And the streets are stained with blood.