Lessons through divorce: Taking ownership of my life

December 25, 2022December 25, 2022 / Lianne / Leave a comment

It’s almost two years since I found myself walking down a long, straight dirt road holding a plastic packet full of laundry to do at my parents’ house, not sure whether to cry or laugh at my seemingly absurd new reality. I was 42 years old at the time and at the beginning of a divorce. I had left with nothing, least not a washing machine or a vehicle. If someone had told me a few years ago, that this is where I would be in my life right now, I’d have laughed in their face. ‘Never,’ I would have said.

Every few days, I’d make my way down the farm road to do my laundry. It’s a road that I’ve known all my life, but one that now felt completely different. With every step I took, this long straight road began to take on a completely new meaning. It felt like a representation of my life at that time and of the choices I’d made.

When walking this road, I felt acutely alone on my journey and exposed when all I wanted to do was disappear and not be seen. I wanted to be alone and out of sight. I knew well that this road I had chosen would be a road that I’d feared and avoided all my life.

I’d be judged, I’d be excluded, I’d be rejected, I’d be accountable, I’d lose many friends, I’d lose respect, I’d be the gossip topic of the town and I’d be very, very unpopular! I’d be in the spotlight. I would take centre stage but for the most part, not out of admiration. People would be confused by me, outraged, disappointed, saddened, and shocked. They’d try to make sense of my choices by creating a narrative about me that fits in with their understanding of who I am and of my life. They’d try to change my mind, and ‘help me’ see sense – how I was making the worst decision of my life and to rather do the ‘right thing’ according to them and their values, their beliefs, their reality and their assumptions of what my life is like.

From the very beginning, I knew these would be the consequences of my choice to change the course of my life and those closest to me.

This would not be an easy road – but I chose it anyway.

That day while walking down that road, I felt something for the very first time in my life. This journey was hard and often upsetting, but it was my choice. I was not forced to take this road, I chose it knowing it would be difficult and knowing that there would be consequences. That day was the first day in my life that when it got really difficult, I did not blame someone else for it. For the first time, I felt accountable for where I was in my life and fully responsible for my own future – that though some things happen to us that are not our choice, how we respond to it and deal with it, is a choice. It’s my choice. And I am accountable for my choices.

That day, on that road, I took full ownership of my life.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.

If in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

For the last couple years, I have been exploring the theme ‘To surrender to what is, before I can go forward.’ Much of it has been while I have been going through a divorce and it’s acutely aligned with where I am in my own life. As I’ve already mentioned, it’s been a challenging couple years, but ‘surrendering to what is’ has been absolutely necessary for this time in my life. There are many layers and steps to surrendering, but one of them which I have been experiencing recently is ‘accountability for my choices, decisions and behaviour – in the past and in the present.’ A huge part of surrendering is to look directly at what is, even when it’s hard to look at because it involves accepting that though things happen to us that are not always our choice, how we deal with it and how we go forward from it, is our choice – as hard as that may be. I have found it a particularly difficult chapter, because I’ve had to look back on my life and identify and be accountable for when I’ve made mistakes, for when I have behaved badly or for when I have hurt the people I love and when I acted from a place of fear and ego opposed to a place of love and truth. Surrendering is very much about looking at what I don’t always want to see about myself and how I have played the biggest role when it comes to where I am today. Surrendering is accepting full responsibility for my own life and being accountable for the choices and decisions I have made in my life.

I am not quite done with exploring the theme to ‘Surrender to what is before we can go forward.’ But I am nearing the end of this theme.

Before I move on to the next human condition which will be ‘New beginnings,’ I would like to share with you my divorce journey and what I have learned during this time, which is very much aligned with ‘surrendering’ when it comes to how I have approached this time and divorce.

Note that my ex husband is a really good person (!) and I will not be writing about him, or our marriage or my experiences with him during a divorce. It’s all the other big lessons and things I’ve learned about myself and about people during this time that I feel will be helpful for some of you, especially if you are going through a divorce.

I will also soon be writing about the life of an inspiring woman called Nathalie who was sexually abused by a family member up until her teens and her journey of surrendering to what is in order to go forward with her life.

It’s been an incredible journey so far. I feel like I have learned and experienced so much these last two years. Divorce is hard for many obvious reasons, but it can also be a time of healing, growth, positive change and being true to who we are. As much as it is about a painful ending, it is also about choosing how to go forward with my life and what that looks like, then doing the necessary work on myself so that I can begin again and walk with confidence and direction into this next chapter of my life.

Doing what feels meaningful

April 18, 2022September 19, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

It was early 2020 and I was hoping that somehow, the start of a new year would mean the end of a challenging 2019. 2019 had been a tragic and difficult year in many ways and also the continuation of a mounting feeling that life was so busy and full up of things that did not really matter to me or resonate with me and empty of what burns inside. For a long time I had felt like I was living a life that I did not fit. I was conforming to what I felt was expected of me and I gave it my all. I tried to do what everyone here seems to do, like a well-oiled machine, serving a community and doing what seems to bring so many people a sense of unity, purpose, belonging, identity and friendship. If felt a bit like a compulsory duty that I needed not only to take part in, but to shine! Of course this was my interpretation of life here, an unconscious decision I made for myself of how I should be here to fit it in, to be respected and to be accepted and ultimately avoid being the ‘misfit.’ This was the work of my fear and my ego – and it required me to ignore my authentic self and what really matters to me, what feels meaningful to me and what gives me a sense of purpose that is aligned with who I am. The truth is that the stuff that really makes me tick might seem like ‘bat-shit’ crazy stuff to many and not what they’d necessarily want for themselves or ever consider doing. But someone has to do it and I am putting my hand up!

In the last couple years, I have learned that life works in mysterious ways. One day I would like to write about this, about what has happened for me to get to where I am now and where I am going to go. This is just the beginning but it’ s unfolding in spectacular ways and in a way that feels like life is ‘flowing,’ and as if I am being taken on a journey. To go on this journey, the only requirement of me is to stay aligned, to trust the process and to pay attention to what I am being presented with. To be brave, even when I am not feeling it. To write my heart out, to be vulnerable and to be honest with you about what I am experiencing and feeling, regardless of how I may be judged or viewed.

Early 2020

I sat at the desk feeling overwhelmed by the amount of photo editing I had to complete that weekend in time for a Monday deadline. It had been an extraordinarily busy few months and I had fallen behind on my editing. That Monday I needed to present a year’s work of interior design photos for a book that was due to be published for a well-known South African interior designer. She had taken me on as someone with little experience in the way of interior design photography. The deal was that she would teach me interior design and I would need to photograph it! Though I have done a lot of travel and hospitality photography, I specialise in agricultural photography. Interior design photography was something completely foreign to me at the time. Being outdoors and in the dirt is where I am most comfortable but this was something I wanted to explore. If I enjoyed it, it would be an incredible opportunity to learn from the ‘best,’ in the way of interior design and a way ‘in’ to a whole new photography genre and market. On top of that, I got on really well with this person and though I still needed to learn so much, I thoroughly enjoyed working with her.

It was 2am on a Saturday, and I was still editing. I had one more day left and a huge number of photos that I still needed to edit by Monday. The thing about interior design photography is that you are ultimately selling an idea, a style of design, or an item that fits a theme. It involves a lot of straight lines, ‘photoshopping’ out things like plug points and cables, removing a stain from a table cloth or a stray thread from a designer cushion. Every photo has to be picture perfect and that takes time. I had so much editing still to do that I literally excused myself from the world that weekend and edited solidly for 72 hours! I rewarded myself with ‘a break’ after editing an album – a break that involved going to the kitchen sink and washing some dishes! It was that kind of weekend! But while I removed the threads from a cushion, the creases from a crisp white bed sheet, dimmed the lights to a moody atmosphere and intensified the colour of the flames of an indoor winter fire, I listened to a lot of podcasts while doing this. And all the podcasts were of photo journalists and humanitarian photographers talking about everything I care for. That weekend was a paradox for me. While I edited interiors and made everything look picture perfect, the podcasts I was listening to had me nodding, smiling and resonating. They were speaking a language that I understood and importantly, doing something that I would love to do. That weekend, while I sat at the desk editing interiors, I felt alive because of what I was hearing.

I finished editing minutes before I had to leave to drive to my destination and present my final album. It was a huge relief to have finished what felt impossible a couple days before. But I did it and while doing it, I learned what really feels meaningful to me. At that meeting I was offered an incredible opportunity. Since I was the ‘outdoors’ type and rather ‘countrified,’ this designer was offering me the opportunity to photograph and publish an interior design book of ‘country homes’ in South Africa. If I wanted it, it would be the ultimate photography opportunity. It felt like I had unexpectedly learnt something about myself through the paradox of that weekend and on Monday, my ‘realization’ was directly confronted in the way of being offered a potentially great career opportunity. It felt like I was being put to test and I graciously declined the offer.

That weekend I realized what I want to do with my life and my time. What had been a shade of grey was now unmistakably black and white. It was one of many things that happened that pointed me in a new direction. This idea, this way of life, this realization – It felt wild and crazy and impossible but it felt like ‘home!’

The Candid Frame is one of my favourite photography podcasts. Every week Ibarionex Perello interviews a photographer of his choice. This is my source of documentary photographers, a podcast that inspires me and keeps me motivated to stay on this path I am walking. The podcast that inspired me most that weekend is that of Colin Finlay’s. His experience of photography deeply resonated with me and inspired me. I took it one step further and connected with Colin on Instagram. It’s these seemingly small occurrences and connections that all add up to a big shift in direction. What was a particularly stressful weekend of editing, turned out to be a weekend of absolute clarity.

CANDID FRAME PODCAST: COLIN FINLAY

When you don’t have a voice

March 27, 2022September 19, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me with ongoing challenges of ‘acceptance.’ And I have many unanswered questions in the way of ‘surrendering to what is before we can move forward.’ This is a journey that often involves taking one step at a time and that comes with many layers, different circumstances, a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to look at something from a different perspective when you cannot change a situation.

A few weeks ago, because of my own experience, it became clear to me that ‘acceptance’ is not about ‘wanting’ something but rather ‘letting go’ of something or of a desired outcome for there to be flow and to go forward. By holding onto it and not ‘letting go’ keeps you in a state of disharmony and you get stuck. You are perpetually angry, frustrated depressed and/or anxious and it feels like you are head bashing the same brick wall over and over again in hope of breaking it down. But the wall never breaks. It still stands and the only outcome is you – black, blue and broken. Acceptance is not about the ‘other’ but rather, it’s about honouring and loving yourself enough not to fight to the death. (Of yourself) If you are unhappy about your situation, be brave and change it. But if you absolutely cannot change it and your intentions are true and from a place of love, then you must accept it and instead change your perspective in a way that empowers you and allows you to go forward and walk through the story so that there is a different ending. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through Jene Frost’s story is that acceptance of a situation is not ‘giving up’ but rather focusing on what you ‘can do’ and not what you ‘can’t do.’

But this is where I get stuck. Sometimes it does not always feel that simple. I think of the Ukrainians and how many of them have been forced to flee, not because they want to but because they fear death if they don’t. They accept the situation and do what they must do to keep safe. But how does one handle the unfairness of a situation like this, the anger and grief that comes with the process of letting go to move forward? Of losing everything you care about, of a way of life, of your rights, of what or who you love most? How does one accept a situation that is so unfair and so abusive? And worse, when your voice does not matter or there is no-one willing to listen, how do you accept not being heard to move forward? I would like to know, because I don’t.

This week my heart goes out to a father. A good father and a good man. A man so big and full of love that children gravitate towards him. They bask in his love and in his gentle and accepting presence. They get to be who they are and loved for who they are without there being any consequence. This week, my heart goes out to a father who has called his children every single week for over a year and who has spoken to them no more than a small handful of times. This week, my heart goes out to a father who loves unconditionally. This week my heart goes out to all the parents who have been alienated from their children and who are standing on the edge wondering how they can possibly go on without their children and the human beings they love most in this world. This week, my heart goes out to the children who are being intentionally starved of this love. This week I am struggling with acceptance. Because I don’t know how one could possibly accept not being part of your children’s life. I don’t know how I would do this if I was in his shoes.

“It is not important what is said, what is important is what is heard.”
― **Jeffrey Fry**

Walking the road of ‘acceptance.’

March 3, 2022July 27, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

I went for a long walk today. I know the route well. I know every metre of it, I know how the water flows over the road and how every day I wet my shoes in order to get to the other side, how fish dart in all directions with every step I take. I know the long stretch of road across the dam wall, where the wind picks up and blows in the memories, with our river to my right and a silver expanse of water to my left. I hear the fish eagle in the distance and I see my loyal friend, the long crested eagle perched on the telephone pole, always there, always watching. I follow the road that follows the contour of the dam, around the corner and into a secluded valley, a valley bursting with Red hot Pokers and birdlife. Here I am alone but I am not. Here I am immersed in my deepest thoughts and here is where magic happens.

On this walk, sometimes I feel as if I could explode with hope and purpose, sometimes I get clarity, sometimes I feel fierce determination, sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes my heart breaks. But today as I walked this road, I felt acceptance.

Right from the beginning, before I had even thought of starting Rosie Goes, I knew I’d be going on some sort of a journey, a journey of many roads with many twists and turns, stories and people from all walks of life and from whom I hope to learn from. There will be no free ride. I will walk this walk myself, I will ‘understand’ what I am exploring and I will feel every stone under my shoe, every bump along the road and I will write about it.

Today I felt what it means to accept something or to surrender to it. How before we can hope to start again, we must accept or surrender to where we are at or what is.

Today I learned how accepting something is not about ‘wanting’ something. I learned how acceptance can be letting go of what I’d like to happen for there to be something positive to happen, though not wanting it less or loving it less. To know that to continue as I am, at the expense of myself, of feeling that I am not being true to myself for the sake of a desired outcome, I lose who I am and what is important to me. And I get stuck. I have learned that with acceptance, there is no anger because it is no longer about something else or someone else or about something that happened or about what you don’t have anymore, but simply a deep knowing that you cannot continue as you are for you to feel at peace with yourself and to walk forward in harmony. I have learned that when I am aligned, I become unstuck.

Ironically the very first story that I will be writing about with the theme ‘to surrendering to what is before we can hope to move forward,’ is about someone who cannot walk. I will be writing about Jene Frost who was paralysed from the chest downwards at the age of 15 years old. Jene not only walked before her accident, she ran. She ran every day before school. It was her identity, it was her passion, it was her happy place, and it’s how she started her day. But in a matter of minutes, on a lazy social Sunday afternoon, Jene walked her last walk and the life she knew and the future she expected, was changed forever. This is a story about the power of ‘acceptance,’ when it comes to change and starting again, how a young women never let being paralysed stop her from moving forward.

The Dance

February 26, 2022July 27, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

Today I left my clothes on the floor, the bed unmade and I drank from the milk carton. I burnt supper too.

I’m learning that ‘starting,’ does not simply involve pressing the ‘green button’ and moving forward. Instead it’s a dance. A dance that I’m still learning; one with some rather complex maneuvers and a dance in which I am wearing a pair of heels for the first time. It’s a dance that I move back and forth, I sidestep, I fall, I nosedive without a hint of grace and I twist my ankle, I kick my big toe and fall to the dusty dance floor in a great heap of self-pity.

But this is the difference. In my mind, there is no choice. I don’t get to stay on the floor like I once did. I must get up and do it again, and dance some more.

It’s easier said than done. This month I have fallen many times. I’ve felt the paralyzing heaviness of frustration, doubt, anxiety and overwhelm weigh me down, my thoughts pinning me to the floor and locking me in a place that I don’t want to be. The music that usually brings life to my soul, that makes me not only want to be upright and dancing to a melody, is barely audible. All I can hear are the loud and disruptive voices I don’t want to hear and that keep me stuck and from progressing with the process of starting.

Starting something new is a process. Before I can dance, I must learn ‘how to’ first. I must accept that learning to dance is most likely going to be an inelegant, imperfect process of ‘stopping and starting’ and of course, because I’m wearing heels while doing it! It’s a constant ‘to and fro’ between falling back on old habits and mindfully embracing new ways. It’s about recognising when the old narrative is at play and getting better at stopping it sooner than later. It also involves sparing some space for the ‘fall,’ being ‘okay’ with a clumsy and imperfect start, being patient with myself, being kind and learning to dance in a new pair of shoes!

It’s been a tough month and I have been a wreck! I’m going through a divorce and with that comes adjusting to a new way of life and stepping into a world I know little about. This month has been particularly challenging, mostly because it’s the end of year tax month and it’s been a very steep learning curve! It’s a strange dance; dancing between grand business plans, feeling passionate and motivated about what will come and then in the midst of being positively pumped up about ‘kick starting’ my future plans, I receive an email that states ‘it’s time to pay SARS the moolah’….and I put my pen down. My question is this? How on earth do I get creative when I am feeling so anxious?

This is something that I want to learn more about. How to manage anxiety? I have been so damn anxious this month and it’s crippling. All I know is that I cannot stay here. I must get better at this. I must continue to ‘start.’

“The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.”
― **Arnold Bennett**

The journey of Rosie Goes is all about ‘learning and understanding our humanity and how it connects us,’ and right now I am at the very beginning of this journey. It’s ‘real’ and I know in my heart it is going to be one heck of a dance of ‘To and Fro.’ But in the build up to starting Rosie Goes, I have learned many things and I realise that part of my own personal challenge while on this journey, is to apply what I have learned to my life. And this I know will require mindfulness and discipline.

I have good days and bad days. I think it has been important for me to recognize ‘what’ pulls me out of a dark space. To give whatever that is my attention.

Sometimes the best thing for me to do is simply to have an early good night sleep and to put the day behind me, knowing that tomorrow is a blank page. It always seems to be better the next day. A break in the wave of anxiety, a deep breath…perspective again.

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”
― **Eckhart Tolle,** A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

Having support has been crucial for me while ‘starting.’ I have a group of people in my in my life who have pulled me up many times, and often unknowingly, simply because they are there. And with this support that I have had and belief in what I want to do, I have learned the most powerful and uplifting lesson I could hope for, to feel gratitude.

I am often filled with a deep sense of gratitude – for what I do have, for the unconditional love and support from friends and family and importantly how I believe with all my heart, ‘that life is on my side’ and that I can trust it. Focusing on all this ‘positivity’ in my life does 2 things; firstly it helps me regain my perspective when I have temporarily lost it and secondly I believe that when I focus on ‘appreciating,’ it gains momentum, attracting more of whatever I am feeling and thinking. The trick, I think, is to surrender to what I am feeling; accept it and name it. Then unpack that fear or deconstruct it and identify how it is holding me back. That way, it loses its power over me and again, helps me regain perspective and pulls me back on track.

Part of my Rosie Goes journey has involved a series of extraordinary synchronicities, hence me believing that life is on my side. I pay careful attention to these synchronicities and treat them as confirmation and also a ‘clue’ as what to do next.

A few days ago I was explaining to my neighbour over a cup of morning coffee over the fence how I am writing about ‘starting again,’ and that I wanted to use ‘a dance’ as a metaphor for ‘starting something new’ in the way of photography. And it turned out that her client, a dancer and teacher of a dance school, was coming for a pedicure at 9am! When Chelsea agreed to do the dance photography shoot, I knew that the timing couldn’t be more perfect, and I took it as a synchronicity, as something that I should pay attention to and follow up on.

I believe that ‘life’ is listening. That day I needed to play loud jazz music on the third storey of an old maize mill and immerse myself in a creative shoot that embraced energy, passion for what we love to do, creativity and of course a metaphor for starting again. It was also the day Chelsea came for a pedicure!

This is Chelsea, teacher and owner of ‘Chelsea’s school of dance.’

For me it is exactly what I needed to do to help me regain my perspective.

‘Starting’ is a dance of To and Fro. We’re probably going to fall at some point and it won’t be pretty! But the question is, how long do you stay on the floor boards before you get up again and dance some more?

*“the end came first, the beginning came next”*
― **Tori G Doyle,** *She Loves Me Not: self love poetry with & without words*

Photography shoot location: Kings Grant Country Retreat, Ixopo, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa

Dancer: Chelsea Hayter, Owner of Chelsea’s school of Dance

How 2020 and 2021 are the years I ‘surrendered to’ for there to be change.

January 1, 2022September 19, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

There is one thing I learned in 2019: Life does not necessarily change with a new year. But it is a time that we stop and reflect on the year we have just had. We label it. It was either a good year or a bad year.

I’m going back to 2019 because for me, that was that year that was fit for a label – a particularly bad year after a series of bad years! And it never stopped. It kept on going on into the New Year, into 2020 and gaining momentum. I remember thinking, ‘Is this it?’ Is this what my life is? The feeling of being on a hamster wheel, going nowhere frantically and not knowing how to get off it. Life had lost its depth and the way I was living it, did not feel meaningful or fulfilling. I was committed to so many things, leaving no time for what really mattered to me or what I really wanted to do with my life and my time. I put what I felt people expected of me above this and I lost myself in a series of years. A series of years that never got better and that felt consistently ‘off-track.’

Then COVID-19 happened and life as we knew it stopped. We all stopped. Initially we focused on how to sanitise best, we followed the COVID-19 rules, wore masks and kept our distance. We isolated from the life we knew and we were given ‘time.’ For some, this isolation was traumatic and lonely. For me, it was the first time since I had moved back to South Africa that I felt there was time to think, time to reflect and time to sit quietly with myself. For me, it felt like a blessing.

2020 was the year that completely smashed the hamster wheel. It was also the year I decided that I did not want to get back on that hamster wheel. I wanted to walk around in my own shoes and feel at ‘home.’ For me, 2020 was that year that I found the courage to change and to choose a different life, one with depth and though scary at times, feels meaningful and with a purpose that is aligned with who I am and what is important to me. It was the year that I stepped out of the box I had created and into the big wide world!

It was a difficult year, because before I could think of the change I want, I first had to surrender to where I was at. I had to face everything I had become and take responsibility for myself. I had to stop blaming others for my unhappiness and accept that I was not going to change anyone and that the only change that could happen, was within myself. I had to revisit my past and the narrative I created because of it, one that has influenced so much of my life, my relationships and the decisions I have made. I had to identify what is true and what is not and sift through my limiting beliefs. I had to let go of wanting to control in order to achieve a certain outcome. I had to identify when my decisions and priorities were ground in ‘fear and ego,’ opposed to what comes from a place of love and truth. I had to stop fighting and instead ‘surrender’ to what is and what was. I had to accept where I am and take responsibility. Only then could I ask myself, ‘what do I want?’ And I did. 2020 was the year I surrendered and also the year I asked myself those questions and made the decision to change my life. In doing so, I would also change the life of those closest to me, especially for my family.

2021 came with the shocking and most unexpected news that my husband and I would be getting divorced. It was shocking, because I am divorcing a good man and because no-one really knew of my personal journey. I had eluded everyone. I smiled when I was not feeling it. I put my armour on, and presented myself as strong when I was not feeling strong.

2021 was the year of implementing change. It was always going to be a difficult year but I am hesitant to kick it in the butt and say ‘good riddance.’ 2021 and the change I implemented came with many BIG life lessons. It required courage, it required being okay with being judged and not allowing the fear of not being accepted to influence my decisions, it required me walking my own path with my head up. It required me not to conform and to believe in myself and my vision.

“Live the life of your dreams: Be brave enough to live the life of your dreams according to your vision and purpose instead of the expectations and opinions of others.” – Roy T Bennet

2021 was certainly not easy and I know that the months to come will continue to be challenging for me and my family because of my decision. I know that the life I am choosing is not a conventional one and more often than not, it is a life that people would not choose for themselves.

Though 2021 has been difficult, it is the year that I have felt ‘peace’ for the first time since I can remember. It is also the first time in my life that I have truly felt gratitude. Because of my decision which has come with much ‘debate’ by others of what is wrong and what is right, I did not expect you to ‘stay,’ but you did. 2021 is when I received the unexpected unconditional love and support from a handful of extraordinary friends and my family too. I have learned that ‘support,’ does not necessarily mean ‘agreeing with,’ but rather the willingness to try and understand, the decision to be open to understanding and less about what you would do or would not do. Wanting to ‘understand’ does not just happen – it is most often a conscious decision. THAT is my BIGGEST lesson and my biggest reason for feeling gratitude. Gratitude for the people who have wanted to understand and who have supported and loved me unconditionally. Gratitude for this lesson too and how I am going to work very hard to do what these people in my life have taught me; Seek to understand.

2021 was the year that I found myself walking down a district road to my parents, 43 years old and with a plastic Shoprite packet full of laundry… with nothing. On that day, I faced my decisions. That day, I had no-one to blame, no-one to point fingers at because this is my decision. That day, I walked down the road I had chosen and I felt happy.

**May 2022 be the new beginning that brings peace, purpose, growth and joy.**

The night I surrendered to what is.

November 25, 2021July 27, 2024 / Lianne / Leave a comment

2. The works of Being Human/Surrender

I walked. A veld fire had ripped through the bushveld, devouring everything in its path. The night was closing in and all that was left were the rocks and the smoldering skeletons of trees standing in defiance.

It was the darkest night yet and I was lost. The usual winter starry sky was eclipsed by a thick layer of mist and smoke, obscuring the path I knew so well. I was a stranger in my own land and nothing felt familiar.

The silence was deafening. The jackal, rabbits and caracal had moved off and even the crickets could not muster up enough energy to sing their song. A sense of nothingness overcame me. I let go. I let everything that is, be. In that moment, I had no past or knew no future, just the ghostly silence of a moment, a blank page void of ink, a map of nowhere.

I surrendered. The fight in me was gone and all that I felt mattered, mattered no more. It did not matter at that point because I had had a change of heart or that something had happened to me that made me realise what is important and what is not, but rather I’d lost all my strength to fight and to hold onto fear. Suddenly the fear of rejection, the fear of being judged, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of losing control, the fear of being misunderstood had all become too big for me to hold on to. Too big and too inauthentic to survive. I had unintentionally let go of my fears and surrendered to the darkness. I was alone, broken and free of the shackles of fear.

It was a long night. I stopped walking. This well-worn path I had used so often was barely visible and increasingly futile as the night curtain rolled down. It was not taking me to where I truly wanted to go. It was a winding path, walked by many but not my own. I succumbed to being lost and found a comfortable rock, curved and smooth in the centre, a rock I could sit down on and sink into.

Cradled in that rock, the night consumed me. Memories and emotions took hold of me and for the first time, I did not resist any of it. I felt it all; grief, pain, anger, rejection, resentment, conflict and aloneness. I felt everything I had not wanted to and on that dark, relentless, all consuming lonely night, I completely surrendered to what what was and what is. And it was a relief to feel my pain.

Rosie Goes

In pursuit of humanKIND

Lessons through Divorce