Divorce

Lessons through divorce: Taking ownership of my life

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

It’s almost two years since I found myself walking down a long, straight dirt road holding a plastic packet full of laundry to do at my parents’ house, not sure whether to cry or laugh at my seemingly absurd new reality.  I was 42 years old at the time and at the beginning of a divorce. I had left with nothing, least not a washing machine or a vehicle. If someone had told me a few years ago, that this is where I would be in my life right now, I’d have laughed in their face. ‘Never,’ I would have said.

Every few days, I’d make my way down the farm road to do my laundry. It’s a  road that I’ve known all my life, but one that now felt completely different. With every step I took, this long straight road began to take on a completely new meaning. It felt like a representation of my life at that time and of the choices I’d made.

When walking this road, I felt acutely alone on my journey and exposed when all I wanted to do was disappear and not be seen. I wanted to be alone and out of sight. I knew well that this road I had chosen would be a road that I’d feared and avoided all my life.

I’d be judged, I’d be excluded, I’d be rejected, I’d be accountable, I’d lose many friends, I’d lose respect, I’d be the gossip topic of the town and I’d be very, very unpopular! I’d be in the spotlight. I would take centre stage but for the most part, not out of admiration. People would be confused by me, outraged, disappointed, saddened, and shocked. They’d try to make sense of my choices by creating a narrative about me that fits in with their understanding of who I am and of my life. They’d try to change my mind, and ‘help me’ see sense – how I was making the worst decision of my life and to rather do the ‘right thing’ according to them and their values, their beliefs, their reality and their assumptions of what my life is like.

From the very beginning, I knew these would be the consequences of my choice to change the course of my life and those closest to me.

This would not be an easy road – but I chose it anyway. 

That day while walking down that road, I felt something for the very first time in my life. This journey was hard and often upsetting, but it was my choice.  I was not forced to take this road, I chose it knowing it would be difficult and knowing that there would be consequences. That day was the first day in my life that when it got really difficult, I did not blame someone else for it.  For the first time, I felt accountable for where I was in my life and fully responsible for my own future – that though some things happen to us that are not our choice, how we respond to it and deal with it, is a choice. It’s my choice. And I am accountable for my choices.

That day, on that road, I took full ownership of my life.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness.

If in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”

– Thich Nhat Hanh

For the last couple years, I have been exploring the theme ‘To surrender to what is, before I can go forward.’ Much of it has been while I have been going through a divorce and it’s acutely aligned with where I am in my own life. As I’ve already mentioned, it’s been a challenging couple years, but ‘surrendering to what is’ has been absolutely necessary for this time in my life. There are many layers and steps to surrendering, but one of them which I have been experiencing recently is ‘accountability for my choices, decisions and behaviour – in the past and in the present.’ A huge part of surrendering is to look directly at what is, even when it’s hard to look at because it involves accepting that though things happen to us that are not always our choice, how we deal with it and how we go forward from it, is our choice – as hard as that may be. I have found it a particularly difficult chapter, because I’ve had to look back on my life and identify and be accountable for when I’ve made mistakes, for when I have behaved badly or for when I have hurt the people I love and when I acted from a place of fear and ego opposed to a place of love and truth. Surrendering is very much about looking at what I don’t always want to see about myself and how I have played the biggest role when it comes to where I am today. Surrendering  is accepting full responsibility for my own life and being accountable for the choices and decisions I have made in my life.

I am not quite done with exploring the theme to ‘Surrender to what is before we can go forward.’ But I am nearing the end of this theme.

Before I move on to the next human condition which will be ‘New beginnings,’ I would like to share with you my divorce journey and what I have learned during this time, which is very much aligned with ‘surrendering’ when it comes to how I have approached this time and divorce.

Note that my ex husband is a really good person (!) and I will not be writing about him, or our marriage or my experiences with him during a divorce. It’s all the other big lessons and things I’ve learned about myself and about people during this time that I feel will be helpful for some of you, especially if you are going through a divorce.

I will also soon be writing about the life of an inspiring woman called Nathalie who was sexually abused by a family member up until her teens and her journey of surrendering to what is in order to go forward with her life.  

It’s been an incredible journey so far. I feel like I have learned and experienced so much these last two years. Divorce is hard for many obvious reasons, but it can also be a time of healing, growth, positive change and being true to who we are. As much as it is about a painful ending, it is also about choosing how to go forward with my life and what that looks like, then doing the necessary work on myself so that I can begin again and walk with confidence and direction into this next chapter of my life.

Rosie Goes ©2022

When you don’t have a voice

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me with ongoing challenges of ‘acceptance.’  And I have many unanswered questions in the way of ‘surrendering to what is before we can move forward.’ This is a journey that often involves taking one step at a time and that comes with many layers, different circumstances, a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to look at something from a different perspective when you cannot change a situation.

A few weeks ago, because of my own experience, it became clear to me that ‘acceptance’ is not about ‘wanting’ something but rather ‘letting go’ of something or of a desired outcome for there to be flow and to go forward.  By holding onto it and not ‘letting go’ keeps you in a state of disharmony and you get stuck. You are perpetually angry, frustrated depressed and/or anxious and it feels like you are head bashing the same brick wall over and over again in hope of breaking it down. But the wall never breaks. It still stands and the only outcome is you – black, blue and broken.  Acceptance is not about the ‘other’ but rather, it’s about honouring and loving yourself enough not to fight to the death. (Of yourself) If you are unhappy about your situation, be brave and change it. But if you absolutely cannot change it and your intentions are true and from a place of love, then you must accept it and instead change your perspective in a way that empowers you and allows you to go forward and walk through the story so that there is a different ending. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through Jene Frost’s story is that acceptance of a situation is not ‘giving up’ but rather focusing on what you ‘can do’ and not what you ‘can’t do.’

But this is where I get stuck. Sometimes it does not always feel that simple. I think of the Ukrainians and how many of them have been forced to flee, not because they want to but because they fear death if they don’t. They accept the situation and do what they must do to keep safe. But how does one handle the unfairness of a situation like this, the anger and grief that comes with the process of letting go to move forward? Of losing everything you care about, of a way of life, of your rights, of what or who you love most? How does one accept a situation that is so unfair and so abusive? And worse, when your voice does not matter or there is no-one willing to listen, how do you accept not being heard to move forward? I would like to know, because I don’t.

This week my heart goes out to a father. A good father and a good man. A man so big and full of love that children gravitate towards him. They bask in his love and in his gentle and accepting presence. They get to be who they are and loved for who they are without there being any consequence. This week, my heart goes out to a father who has called his children every single week for over a year and who has spoken to them no more than a small handful of times. This week, my heart goes out to a father who loves unconditionally. This week my heart goes out to all the parents who have been alienated from their children and who are standing on the edge wondering how they can possibly go on without their children and the human beings they love most in this world. This week, my heart goes out to the children who are being intentionally starved of this love. This week I am struggling with acceptance. Because I don’t know how one could possibly accept not being part of your children’s life. I don’t know how I would do this if I was in his shoes.

“It is not important what is said, what is important is what is heard.”
― Jeffrey Fry

How 2020 and 2021 are the years I ‘surrendered to’ for there to be change.

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

There is one thing I learned in 2019: Life does not necessarily change with a new year. But it is a time that we stop and reflect on the year we have just had. We label it. It was either a good year or a bad year.

I’m going back to 2019 because for me, that was that year that was fit for a label – a particularly bad year after a series of bad years! And it never stopped. It kept on going on into the New Year, into 2020 and gaining momentum. I remember thinking, ‘Is this it?’ Is this what my life is? The feeling of being on a hamster wheel, going nowhere frantically and not knowing how to get off it. Life had lost its depth and the way I was living it, did not feel meaningful or fulfilling. I was committed to so many things, leaving no time for what really mattered to me or what I really wanted to do with my life and my time. I put what I felt people expected of me above this and I lost myself in a series of years. A series of years that never got better and that felt consistently ‘off-track.’

Then COVID-19 happened and life as we knew it stopped. We all stopped. Initially we focused on how to sanitise best, we followed the COVID-19 rules, wore masks and kept our distance. We isolated from the life we knew and we were given ‘time.’ For some, this isolation was traumatic and lonely. For me, it was the first time since I had moved back to South Africa that I felt there was time to think, time to reflect and time to sit quietly with myself. For me, it felt like a blessing.

2020 Lockdown

2020 was the year that completely smashed the hamster wheel. It was also the year I decided that I did not want to get back on that hamster wheel. I wanted to walk around in my own shoes and feel at ‘home.’ For me, 2020 was that year that I found the courage to change and to choose a different life, one with depth and though scary at times, feels meaningful and with a purpose that is aligned with who I am and what is important to me. It was the year that I stepped out of the box I had created and into the big wide world!

It was a difficult year, because before I could think of the change I want, I first had to surrender to where I was at. I had to face everything I had become and take responsibility for myself. I had to stop blaming others for my unhappiness and accept that I was not going to change anyone and that the only change that could happen, was within myself. I had to revisit my past and the narrative I created because of it, one that has influenced so much of my life, my relationships and the decisions I have made. I had to identify what is true and what is not and sift through my limiting beliefs. I had to let go of wanting to control in order to achieve a certain outcome. I had to identify when my decisions and priorities were ground in ‘fear and ego,’ opposed to what comes from a place of love and truth. I had to stop fighting and instead ‘surrender’ to what is and what was. I had to accept where I am and take responsibility. Only then could I ask myself, ‘what do I want?’ And I did. 2020 was the year I surrendered and also the year I asked myself those questions and made the decision to change my life. In doing so, I would also change the life of those closest to me, especially for my family.

2021 came with the shocking and most unexpected news that my husband and I would be getting divorced. It was shocking, because I am divorcing a good man and because no-one really knew of my personal journey. I had eluded everyone. I smiled when I was not feeling it. I put my armour on, and presented myself as strong when I was not feeling strong.

2021 was the year of implementing change. It was always going to be a difficult year but I am hesitant to kick it in the butt and say ‘good riddance.’ 2021 and the change I implemented came with many BIG life lessons. It required courage, it required being okay with being judged and not allowing the fear of not being accepted to influence my decisions, it required me walking my own path with my head up. It required me not to conform and to believe in myself and my vision.

“Live the life of your dreams: Be brave enough to live the life of your dreams according to your vision and purpose instead of the expectations and opinions of others.” – Roy T Bennet

2021 was certainly not easy and I know that the months to come will continue to be challenging for me and my family because of my decision. I know that the life I am choosing is not a conventional one and more often than not, it is a life that people would not choose for themselves.

Though 2021 has been difficult, it is the year that I have felt ‘peace’ for the first time since I can remember. It is also the first time in my life that I have truly felt gratitude. Because of my decision which has come with much ‘debate’ by others of what is wrong and what is right, I did not expect you to ‘stay,’ but you did. 2021 is when I received the unexpected unconditional love and support from a handful of extraordinary friends and my family too. I have learned that ‘support,’ does not necessarily mean ‘agreeing with,’ but rather the willingness to try and understand, the decision to be open to understanding and less about what you would do or would not do. Wanting to ‘understand’ does not just happen – it is most often a conscious decision. THAT is my BIGGEST lesson and my biggest reason for feeling gratitude. Gratitude for the people who have wanted to understand and who have supported and loved me unconditionally. Gratitude for this lesson too and how I am going to work very hard to do what these people in my life have taught me; Seek to understand.

2021 was the year that I found myself walking down a district road to my parents, 43 years old and with a plastic Shoprite packet full of laundry… with nothing. On that day, I faced my decisions. That day, I had no-one to blame, no-one to point fingers at because this is my decision. That day, I walked down the road I had chosen and I felt happy.

May 2022 be the new beginning that brings peace, purpose, growth and joy.