Human Behaviour

Exploring and experiencing human behavior.

Amor Fati: Transforming Challenges into Growth

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

I didn’t see it coming. An accident that smashes into your frantic life, your hustle, your ‘get up and go’ survival mode – the thing that drives you day after day. Literally, I did not see this coming. In that split second, the moment before the vehicle smashed into us at full speed – the thought arrived: You are going to have an accident now and you may or may not live. Now hold on for your life.

Then everything went black.

Shortly after, I opened my eyes. The old vehicle was dusty – shaken to its core with the collective years of off-road memories now hanging in the air, followed by the realisation: We are alive.

Next up was the step by step process of dealing with an accident and documenting it, all in a hazy state of reality, of processing what had just happened, that there were no serious injuries and above all, no death.

More than not, a major incident such as this potentially comes with consequences, one way or the other. I accept that there is more I will go through. At this point, another wave of fear and thoughts of consequences come rolling in and the next potential reality crashes down, paralysing me with anxiety in its wake. In the meantime, business continues at full throttle. Our restaurant is fully booked for Father’s Day with record numbers. My right hand is fractured and there are plates to carry and drinks to pour. Our customers are blissfully unaware of the events of the weekend and are as supportive as usual of our journey forward. It’s hard but it’s comforting.

Come Sunday evening, frazzled and relieved that this weekend was finally over – I went to sleep and for a few sweet hours, all thoughts and fears vanished in the dark, dusting the black board clean of the weekend’s messy, frantic scribbles.  

In the early hours of the morning, before the birds had any inkling of the sun rising and the stars shone bright, I woke. This is my time; in the stillness of the night, at peace and in quiet when my day has not yet started. No distractions, no interruptions – just clear, purposeful thinking. It’s at this time, I find my way forward.

I know this: from the experiences I’ve had in the last few years, I trust that ‘Life has my back.’ I trust that my journey; the good, the bad and the challenges that come our way are designed to grow us and shape us into better, stronger human beings and are for the ‘greater good’ even if I don’t see how at this point. I know this because this has happened over and over again, and often, it’s only far down the road that the picture becomes clear.

At the event of facing something challenging, I have a choice. I can either plug into my fears and the paralysing anxiety and bad, non-aligned decisions that come with it, or into ego and become stuck in my self-righteousness, unable to accept, see clearly, take responsibility or find a way forward. I have a choice to prioritise perspective and to trust that if I am aligned with my higher self, life has my back and that what I am facing is necessary. To ask myself the question, how is this challenging me? What is it about myself that I perhaps have not seen or paid attention to, that needs to heal or for me to get better at? What is this pushing me to do or to face?

Embrace “Amor Fati” – To embrace everything – the good, the bad, the painful as necessary parts of your story. It’s not just acceptance, it’s choosing to love what shaped you. Some things didn’t happen to break you. They happened to build you.

For me, my ‘Amor Fati scenario,’ is that this accident has simplified things. It’s taken away some of the big ‘choices and options’ I had and like it or not, very definitely, has given me one way forward. The choice of how I get there is no longer a decision. And for this, despite the difficult road it might be and whether I like it or not, I am very grateful to know the path I must take. It is a relief just to know and to be able to go forward with purpose, direction and balance.

It sharpens the tool kit and gives me clarity regarding what to prioritize and what to let rest. It forces me to look at how I have been blindly ploughing forward at a frantic pace, solely focusing on succeeding and on the business and in doing so, neglecting other important areas of my life. Those ‘other areas’ are what have caught up on me, demanding I pull out of the race and reassess how I get to the finish line. Life after all, is not a sprint – it’s a marathon and a balancing act that requires perspective and alignment.

I can only focus on the next step right now. I do not know exactly what the lessons to come are. But I trust that by the end of this next chapter, I will be in a better place, the business will be in a better place and I will be better.

The Tin Roof

/ Lianne / Leave a comment 
Here is a poem that is as much about missing someone and not being able to reassure them of your love, as it is about surrendering to something you cannot control, but loving them anyway. 

The Tin Roof

Tin roof with a gaping hole,
What luck do you have today?

The wind is blowing
and a boy is sleeping, 
dreaming of better days.

Curled up in a corner, 
The wind is threatening rain,
You ache to protect him and to hold him once again.

But the wind is getting stronger,
Oblivious to your pain.
It does not see the child, 
It does not see his pain.

It shouts and it threatens and it keeps love at bay.
It huffs and it puffs in support of a cursed name.
It blows, it brings rain, it throws stones of every shame.
Blind to a full story,
The flying monkey in a game.

The boy wakes from his dream
as rain begins to fall.
Cold, wet and alone, 
The wind did not bring change,
No change at all.

Tin roof with a gaping hole,
What luck do you have today?

No luck at all, with the wind that howls 
and the heavy rain that falls
Only a dream that with time
this boy will stand tall
and will wake one morning,
and hear my call.

And if the nights seem dark,
He’ll look up at the old tin roof,
He’ll see the stars, 
He will see the light,
Guardians of the night,
And he’ll know, from deep within,
The infinite love that has always belonged to him. 
- By Rosie Goes

Rosie Goes©2022

Doing what feels meaningful

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

It was early 2020 and I was hoping that somehow, the start of a new year would mean the end of a challenging 2019. 2019 had been a tragic and difficult year in many ways and also the continuation of a mounting feeling that life was so busy and full up of things that did not really matter to me or resonate with me and empty of what burns inside. For a long time I had felt like I was living a life that I did not fit. I was conforming to what I felt was expected of me and I gave it my all. I tried to do what everyone here seems to do, like a well-oiled machine, serving a community and doing what seems to bring so many people a sense of unity, purpose, belonging, identity and friendship. If felt a bit like a compulsory duty that I needed not only to take part in, but to shine! Of course this was my interpretation of life here, an unconscious decision I made for myself of how I should be here to fit it in, to be respected and to be accepted and ultimately avoid being the ‘misfit.’ This was the work of my fear and my ego – and it required me to ignore my authentic self and what really matters to me, what feels meaningful to me and what gives me a sense of purpose that is aligned with who I am.  The truth is that the stuff that really makes me tick might seem like ‘bat-shit’ crazy stuff to many and not what they’d necessarily want for themselves or ever consider doing. But someone has to do it and I am putting my hand up!

In the last couple years, I have learned that life works in mysterious ways. One day I would like to write about this, about what has happened for me to get to where I am now and where I am going to go. This is just the beginning but it’ s unfolding in spectacular ways and in a way that feels like life is ‘flowing,’ and as if I am being taken on a journey. To go on this journey, the only requirement of me is to stay aligned, to trust the process and to pay attention to what I am being presented with. To be brave, even when I am not feeling it. To write my heart out, to be vulnerable and to be honest with you about what I am experiencing and feeling, regardless of how I may be judged or viewed.  

Early 2020

I sat at the desk feeling overwhelmed by the amount of photo editing I had to complete that weekend in time for a Monday deadline. It had been an extraordinarily busy few months and I had fallen behind on my editing. That Monday I needed to present a year’s work of interior design photos for a book that was due to be published for a well-known South African interior designer. She had taken me on as someone with little experience in the way of interior design photography. The deal was that she would teach me interior design and I would need to photograph it! Though I have done a lot of travel and hospitality photography, I specialise in agricultural photography. Interior design photography was something completely foreign to me at the time. Being outdoors and in the dirt is where I am most comfortable but this was something I wanted to explore. If I enjoyed it, it would be an incredible opportunity to learn from the ‘best,’ in the way of interior design and a way ‘in’ to a whole new photography genre and market. On top of that, I got on really well with this person and though I still needed to learn so much, I thoroughly enjoyed working with her.

It was 2am on a Saturday, and I was still editing. I had one more day left and a huge number of photos that I still needed to edit by Monday. The thing about interior design photography is that you are ultimately selling an idea, a style of design, or an item that fits a theme. It involves a lot of straight lines, ‘photoshopping’ out things like plug points and cables, removing a stain from a table cloth or a stray thread from a designer cushion. Every photo has to be picture perfect and that takes time. I had so much editing still to do that I literally excused myself from the world that weekend and edited solidly for 72 hours! I rewarded myself with ‘a break’ after editing an album – a break that involved going to the kitchen sink and washing some dishes!  It was that kind of weekend! But while I removed the threads from a cushion, the creases from a crisp white bed sheet, dimmed the lights to a moody atmosphere and intensified the colour of the flames of an indoor winter fire, I listened to a lot of podcasts while doing this. And all the podcasts were of photo journalists and humanitarian photographers talking about everything I care for. That weekend was a paradox for me. While I edited interiors and made everything look picture perfect, the podcasts I was listening to had me nodding, smiling and resonating. They were speaking a language that I understood and importantly, doing something that I would love to do. That weekend, while I sat at the desk editing interiors, I felt alive because of what I was hearing.

I finished editing minutes before I had to leave to drive to my destination and present my final album. It was a huge relief to have finished what felt impossible a couple days before. But I did it and while doing it, I learned what really feels meaningful to me. At that meeting I was offered an incredible opportunity. Since I was the ‘outdoors’ type and rather ‘countrified,’ this designer was offering me the opportunity to photograph and publish an interior design book of ‘country homes’ in South Africa. If I wanted it, it would be the ultimate photography opportunity. It felt like I had unexpectedly learnt something about myself through the paradox of that weekend and on Monday, my ‘realization’ was directly confronted in the way of being offered a potentially great career opportunity. It felt like I was being put to test and I graciously declined the offer.

That weekend I realized what I want to do with my life and my time. What had been a shade of grey was now unmistakably black and white. It was one of many things that happened that pointed me in a new direction. This idea, this way of life, this realization – It felt wild and crazy and impossible but it felt like ‘home!’

The Candid Frame is one of my favourite photography podcasts. Every week Ibarionex Perello interviews a photographer of his choice. This is my source of documentary photographers, a podcast that inspires me and keeps me motivated to stay on this path I am walking. The podcast that inspired me most that weekend is that of Colin Finlay’s. His experience of photography deeply resonated with me and inspired me. I took it one step further and connected with Colin on Instagram. It’s these seemingly small occurrences and connections that all add up to a big shift in direction. What was a particularly stressful weekend of editing, turned out to be a weekend of absolute clarity.

CANDID FRAME PODCAST: COLIN FINLAY

ROSIE GOES©2022

When you don’t have a voice

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me with ongoing challenges of ‘acceptance.’  And I have many unanswered questions in the way of ‘surrendering to what is before we can move forward.’ This is a journey that often involves taking one step at a time and that comes with many layers, different circumstances, a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to look at something from a different perspective when you cannot change a situation.

A few weeks ago, because of my own experience, it became clear to me that ‘acceptance’ is not about ‘wanting’ something but rather ‘letting go’ of something or of a desired outcome for there to be flow and to go forward.  By holding onto it and not ‘letting go’ keeps you in a state of disharmony and you get stuck. You are perpetually angry, frustrated depressed and/or anxious and it feels like you are head bashing the same brick wall over and over again in hope of breaking it down. But the wall never breaks. It still stands and the only outcome is you – black, blue and broken.  Acceptance is not about the ‘other’ but rather, it’s about honouring and loving yourself enough not to fight to the death. (Of yourself) If you are unhappy about your situation, be brave and change it. But if you absolutely cannot change it and your intentions are true and from a place of love, then you must accept it and instead change your perspective in a way that empowers you and allows you to go forward and walk through the story so that there is a different ending. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through Jene Frost’s story is that acceptance of a situation is not ‘giving up’ but rather focusing on what you ‘can do’ and not what you ‘can’t do.’

But this is where I get stuck. Sometimes it does not always feel that simple. I think of the Ukrainians and how many of them have been forced to flee, not because they want to but because they fear death if they don’t. They accept the situation and do what they must do to keep safe. But how does one handle the unfairness of a situation like this, the anger and grief that comes with the process of letting go to move forward? Of losing everything you care about, of a way of life, of your rights, of what or who you love most? How does one accept a situation that is so unfair and so abusive? And worse, when your voice does not matter or there is no-one willing to listen, how do you accept not being heard to move forward? I would like to know, because I don’t.

This week my heart goes out to a father. A good father and a good man. A man so big and full of love that children gravitate towards him. They bask in his love and in his gentle and accepting presence. They get to be who they are and loved for who they are without there being any consequence. This week, my heart goes out to a father who has called his children every single week for over a year and who has spoken to them no more than a small handful of times. This week, my heart goes out to a father who loves unconditionally. This week my heart goes out to all the parents who have been alienated from their children and who are standing on the edge wondering how they can possibly go on without their children and the human beings they love most in this world. This week, my heart goes out to the children who are being intentionally starved of this love. This week I am struggling with acceptance. Because I don’t know how one could possibly accept not being part of your children’s life. I don’t know how I would do this if I was in his shoes.

“It is not important what is said, what is important is what is heard.”
― Jeffrey Fry

Stuck in a story

/ Lianne / 1 Comment

It was quiet. Occasionally I’d hear the slow rhythmic footsteps of the night nurse and the swing of a ward door, the hushed voices between patient and nurse, a trolley being wheeled down the corridor, the ping of a microwave, a toilet being flushed. I felt relief for a short while, hoping it would stay like this.

But it never did. I lay still in the hospital bed, nodding off to the sound of hospital white noise when she’d wake again and cry out his name. It was in the darkness of the night when she felt most alone that she’d recede into the depths of her mind and her memories came to life. For a few minutes she was back on the ship on their way to Sydney, safely in his arms, wrapped up in young love and full of hope.

For three nights, I listened to her life story over and over again. I learned how love comforted her and I learned what she feared most. Every night, she lived through each chapter of her life, clinging to the fading memories as if it was all she had left. It was a story on repeat and it always ended with the agonising pain of remembering that he is dead.

At that moment, she’d be swallowed by grief and another narrative would move in like black ink spilled on a page, fear.

“Oh God, my husband is dead. He died 9 years ago.”

“I have nobody, they have all gone. I am all alone.”

“God please help me. God please help me. God please help me.”

“Why are they doing this to me? I have a plane to catch. Why are they being so unkind?”

“I can’t get out of bed, I can’t stand, I can’t walk. I can’t get out.”

“That was a stupid thing to do. Never again will I do this. Never again.”

As she delved deeper into this narrative, the more distressed and anxious she would get. It isolated her and held her hostage in a self-fulfilling prophecy. She was stuck in a story; a narrative that would taunt her and that would whisper in her ear in the hours of darkness. The more attention she gave it, the stronger it got until it screamed, “I am alone, I am alone, I am alone.” And she was alone.

For 3 days, I was with Mrs Harris (not her real name) in the same hospital ward. She suffered from Dementia and was in hospital because she had fallen and broken her hip. I listened to her story many times; tragic and beautiful all in one, ever tussling between love and fear. I learned a lot about Dementia during this time, but more so, this experience prompted me to question my own narrative.

What are my stories that play over and over again in my head? Is it a narrative ground in love or is it a narrative ground in fear? How and why did they begin? What do I not want to feel again because of something that had happened? What do I want to feel again? How do they influence how I live my life and the decisions I make? Do they hold me back? Do they keep me in a negative cycle? Do I keep hitting the same brick wall? Or are they positive narratives, ground in love and truth and that allow me to move forward and to grow?

The morning nurse marched through the ward doors, bright and breezy and ready to take on another day. Good morning Mrs Harris ‘How are you today?’

Mrs Harris groaned and pulled herself up and said, “I have a plane to catch. My husband is waiting for me in France. I must go now. Please help me out of bed, or else I will be late. You must listen to me. I must get to him. Please, help me.”

The nurse replied that she must have breakfast first and before turning to walk out of the room, she switched the television on for Mrs Harris to watch. It was the South African football news bulletin, reporting on the latest regional scores. She stared up at the screen, eyes glazing over as the ball was kicked here and there. And she remembered again, “No, he is gone. He died 9 years ago. I am all alone.”

I knew what I needed to do now.

I sat with her and I asked her about her husband and how they met and what their life was like. For the next half an hour, I heard the beautiful love story of Mr and Mrs Harris and how they met on a ship while travelling from England to Australia. I watched her clenched jaw relax and the muscles in her body soften as she spoke of their time together and of him.

I had heard this story many times by now, but every time she told her love story, I watched Mrs Harris come home.

Dear Narcissist. Thank you.

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

Today I am thanking the Narcissists. I did not want to give them too much attention in the previous post, in which I shared with you some of the journey I have been on these last couple years. In that post, I spoke of the lessons I have learned and the gratitude I have felt in the way of unconditional love and support and finding the courage to accept what is, what was and then ask myself ‘What do I want?’

But talking about my experience of narcissism is important and a big part of my journey. Because you, dear Narcissists’, came into my life just when you did. I had no idea you even existed before this. You came into my life when I already felt broken due to my own personal journey and because of the events at the time that came with immense loss and grief.  Initially, I felt the timing of it was the ‘wrecking ball;’ the final chapter before my life as I knew it fell apart.

There are different levels of narcissism, ranging from someone severely egocentric in the way of self-importance and with an unwavering sense of entitlement, right through to the sociopathic narcissist. Sociopathic narcissistic behaviour, in my understanding, is when an individual deliberately and painstakingly exploits, fabricates and manipulates someone for their own gain with absolutely no remorse or empathy for anyone they have wronged. These individuals can be particularly dangerous, destructive and traumatic for the people they believe who stand in the way of their agenda, and for the actual individual they are seeking to control or punish.  

Quite often, a narcissist will present themselves as charming, caring, upstanding, god-fearing people. Sometimes they present themselves as the ‘victim,’ and deliberately play to our human nature of instinctively wanting to support and protect the victim. They rally up an army of supporters, lawyers and flying monkey’s, who in essence, unknowingly enable their destructive and often ‘dark’ agenda.

I remember someone saying to me, ‘Just ignore them, don’t get involved.’ But if you are being targeted by one of these individuals, that is very difficult to do. Just like COVID-19, you cannot completely escape it, you must learn to live with it, identify it and manage it. We cannot indefinitely live in a state of fear or with the feeling of being under threat, if going forward with our life in a positive manner is our objection.

When it started, it was honestly one of the most confronting and threatening experiences I have ever had and it triggered me, that young girl who was bullied in her youth. My initial reaction was just that, I ‘reacted’… just as they want you to. Your reaction’ to being attacked will often be what they will attempt to use against you to gain support and to justify their accusations and their hidden agenda. They feed off your ‘reactions’ and the attention,’ like it’s a hit of heroin, creating one drama after another and bolstering their fragile and inflated ego, while furthering their agenda at the same time. They prod and provoke you in the most calculating of ways until you react, feeding their addiction and playing into their cycle of drama and sometimes, forgetting who you are in the process.

In hindsight, since identifying and educating myself about this type of abuse and the specific behaviour the narcissist will use to maintain a position of power and which almost always becomes a pattern over time, this experience has become one of the most empowering and valuable lessons I could hope for.  In hindsight, its timing could not have been better.

A big part of my journey to transform my life is practicing being mindful of when the feelings I am having and the decisions I make are grounded in ‘fear and/or ego’ or whether they are from a place of ‘love or truth.’ How a reaction is most often ground in fear or ego opposed to a response which comes with being mindful of your emotions and consciously pausing before responding.

Having this experience when I did, was like the student learning the lesson in theory and then going out into the real world and putting the lesson to practice! This experience was the ultimate test of being mindful and less reactive. It was the ultimate lesson of knowing who I am and staying true to who I am; by setting boundaries, by keeping the ‘facts’ at the forefront, knowing what is true and what is not and recognising when I am being provoked, threatened or baited.

Since understanding all this and also through meeting a number of people who have experienced narcissistic relationships or like myself who has had encounters with such individuals, I have learned that there is one thing they all have in common despite each and every story being different. The ‘narcissist’ is the common factor. Narcissism has been given a label for a reason, because the same tactics and behaviours’ to throw you off balance and to control or punish you are demonstrated from one narc to another. That feeling of unease you have, or that something feels off, is not you imagining things. You are right.

Their tool kit to weaken you is a powerful one and is most destructive when you are not yet aware of what exactly is happening for you to be feeling like you do. You doubt yourself. You begin to believe that you are all to blame for the dysfunction in the relationship. Your support system, be it friends or family starts to change. One by one, the people who truly love and care for you are identified as a ‘threat’ or as someone negative for your relationship. You start to distance yourself from them so not to upset the narcissist in your life and because sometimes they convince you that their delusion in actual fact, is true. Over time, you are completely isolated from the people who care for you and the only person left in your lonely life, is the Narcissist them self…and they become your ‘everything.’  You begin to feel ‘less’ and the confidence and joy you once felt, is replaced by a new reality, of walking on egg shells and focusing completely on them and their needs and never your own.

In the worst cases, these dysfunctional relationships can leave you feeling like a shell of your former self and with a deep sense of hopelessness. Sometimes there are children involved and who are employed in the mind games and become a means of punishment when you do not do as they want.

So much of what a narcissist does, comes from a place of fear and ego. When you know this about them, when you see them for where they are in themselves, and not what they want you to believe about yourself and about them, or fear – that’s when you begin to empower yourself. That’s when you remember who you are and not who they think you are.

Rosie Goes©2022