Narcissism

The Tin Roof

/ Lianne / Leave a comment 
Here is a poem that is as much about missing someone and not being able to reassure them of your love, as it is about surrendering to something you cannot control, but loving them anyway. 

The Tin Roof

Tin roof with a gaping hole,
What luck do you have today?

The wind is blowing
and a boy is sleeping, 
dreaming of better days.

Curled up in a corner, 
The wind is threatening rain,
You ache to protect him and to hold him once again.

But the wind is getting stronger,
Oblivious to your pain.
It does not see the child, 
It does not see his pain.

It shouts and it threatens and it keeps love at bay.
It huffs and it puffs in support of a cursed name.
It blows, it brings rain, it throws stones of every shame.
Blind to a full story,
The flying monkey in a game.

The boy wakes from his dream
as rain begins to fall.
Cold, wet and alone, 
The wind did not bring change,
No change at all.

Tin roof with a gaping hole,
What luck do you have today?

No luck at all, with the wind that howls 
and the heavy rain that falls
Only a dream that with time
this boy will stand tall
and will wake one morning,
and hear my call.

And if the nights seem dark,
He’ll look up at the old tin roof,
He’ll see the stars, 
He will see the light,
Guardians of the night,
And he’ll know, from deep within,
The infinite love that has always belonged to him. 
- By Rosie Goes

Rosie Goes©2022

When you don’t have a voice

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me with ongoing challenges of ‘acceptance.’  And I have many unanswered questions in the way of ‘surrendering to what is before we can move forward.’ This is a journey that often involves taking one step at a time and that comes with many layers, different circumstances, a lot of self-awareness and the willingness to look at something from a different perspective when you cannot change a situation.

A few weeks ago, because of my own experience, it became clear to me that ‘acceptance’ is not about ‘wanting’ something but rather ‘letting go’ of something or of a desired outcome for there to be flow and to go forward.  By holding onto it and not ‘letting go’ keeps you in a state of disharmony and you get stuck. You are perpetually angry, frustrated depressed and/or anxious and it feels like you are head bashing the same brick wall over and over again in hope of breaking it down. But the wall never breaks. It still stands and the only outcome is you – black, blue and broken.  Acceptance is not about the ‘other’ but rather, it’s about honouring and loving yourself enough not to fight to the death. (Of yourself) If you are unhappy about your situation, be brave and change it. But if you absolutely cannot change it and your intentions are true and from a place of love, then you must accept it and instead change your perspective in a way that empowers you and allows you to go forward and walk through the story so that there is a different ending. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through Jene Frost’s story is that acceptance of a situation is not ‘giving up’ but rather focusing on what you ‘can do’ and not what you ‘can’t do.’

But this is where I get stuck. Sometimes it does not always feel that simple. I think of the Ukrainians and how many of them have been forced to flee, not because they want to but because they fear death if they don’t. They accept the situation and do what they must do to keep safe. But how does one handle the unfairness of a situation like this, the anger and grief that comes with the process of letting go to move forward? Of losing everything you care about, of a way of life, of your rights, of what or who you love most? How does one accept a situation that is so unfair and so abusive? And worse, when your voice does not matter or there is no-one willing to listen, how do you accept not being heard to move forward? I would like to know, because I don’t.

This week my heart goes out to a father. A good father and a good man. A man so big and full of love that children gravitate towards him. They bask in his love and in his gentle and accepting presence. They get to be who they are and loved for who they are without there being any consequence. This week, my heart goes out to a father who has called his children every single week for over a year and who has spoken to them no more than a small handful of times. This week, my heart goes out to a father who loves unconditionally. This week my heart goes out to all the parents who have been alienated from their children and who are standing on the edge wondering how they can possibly go on without their children and the human beings they love most in this world. This week, my heart goes out to the children who are being intentionally starved of this love. This week I am struggling with acceptance. Because I don’t know how one could possibly accept not being part of your children’s life. I don’t know how I would do this if I was in his shoes.

“It is not important what is said, what is important is what is heard.”
― Jeffrey Fry

Dear Narcissist. Thank you.

/ Lianne / Leave a comment

Today I am thanking the Narcissists. I did not want to give them too much attention in the previous post, in which I shared with you some of the journey I have been on these last couple years. In that post, I spoke of the lessons I have learned and the gratitude I have felt in the way of unconditional love and support and finding the courage to accept what is, what was and then ask myself ‘What do I want?’

But talking about my experience of narcissism is important and a big part of my journey. Because you, dear Narcissists’, came into my life just when you did. I had no idea you even existed before this. You came into my life when I already felt broken due to my own personal journey and because of the events at the time that came with immense loss and grief.  Initially, I felt the timing of it was the ‘wrecking ball;’ the final chapter before my life as I knew it fell apart.

There are different levels of narcissism, ranging from someone severely egocentric in the way of self-importance and with an unwavering sense of entitlement, right through to the sociopathic narcissist. Sociopathic narcissistic behaviour, in my understanding, is when an individual deliberately and painstakingly exploits, fabricates and manipulates someone for their own gain with absolutely no remorse or empathy for anyone they have wronged. These individuals can be particularly dangerous, destructive and traumatic for the people they believe who stand in the way of their agenda, and for the actual individual they are seeking to control or punish.  

Quite often, a narcissist will present themselves as charming, caring, upstanding, god-fearing people. Sometimes they present themselves as the ‘victim,’ and deliberately play to our human nature of instinctively wanting to support and protect the victim. They rally up an army of supporters, lawyers and flying monkey’s, who in essence, unknowingly enable their destructive and often ‘dark’ agenda.

I remember someone saying to me, ‘Just ignore them, don’t get involved.’ But if you are being targeted by one of these individuals, that is very difficult to do. Just like COVID-19, you cannot completely escape it, you must learn to live with it, identify it and manage it. We cannot indefinitely live in a state of fear or with the feeling of being under threat, if going forward with our life in a positive manner is our objection.

When it started, it was honestly one of the most confronting and threatening experiences I have ever had and it triggered me, that young girl who was bullied in her youth. My initial reaction was just that, I ‘reacted’… just as they want you to. Your reaction’ to being attacked will often be what they will attempt to use against you to gain support and to justify their accusations and their hidden agenda. They feed off your ‘reactions’ and the attention,’ like it’s a hit of heroin, creating one drama after another and bolstering their fragile and inflated ego, while furthering their agenda at the same time. They prod and provoke you in the most calculating of ways until you react, feeding their addiction and playing into their cycle of drama and sometimes, forgetting who you are in the process.

In hindsight, since identifying and educating myself about this type of abuse and the specific behaviour the narcissist will use to maintain a position of power and which almost always becomes a pattern over time, this experience has become one of the most empowering and valuable lessons I could hope for.  In hindsight, its timing could not have been better.

A big part of my journey to transform my life is practicing being mindful of when the feelings I am having and the decisions I make are grounded in ‘fear and/or ego’ or whether they are from a place of ‘love or truth.’ How a reaction is most often ground in fear or ego opposed to a response which comes with being mindful of your emotions and consciously pausing before responding.

Having this experience when I did, was like the student learning the lesson in theory and then going out into the real world and putting the lesson to practice! This experience was the ultimate test of being mindful and less reactive. It was the ultimate lesson of knowing who I am and staying true to who I am; by setting boundaries, by keeping the ‘facts’ at the forefront, knowing what is true and what is not and recognising when I am being provoked, threatened or baited.

Since understanding all this and also through meeting a number of people who have experienced narcissistic relationships or like myself who has had encounters with such individuals, I have learned that there is one thing they all have in common despite each and every story being different. The ‘narcissist’ is the common factor. Narcissism has been given a label for a reason, because the same tactics and behaviours’ to throw you off balance and to control or punish you are demonstrated from one narc to another. That feeling of unease you have, or that something feels off, is not you imagining things. You are right.

Their tool kit to weaken you is a powerful one and is most destructive when you are not yet aware of what exactly is happening for you to be feeling like you do. You doubt yourself. You begin to believe that you are all to blame for the dysfunction in the relationship. Your support system, be it friends or family starts to change. One by one, the people who truly love and care for you are identified as a ‘threat’ or as someone negative for your relationship. You start to distance yourself from them so not to upset the narcissist in your life and because sometimes they convince you that their delusion in actual fact, is true. Over time, you are completely isolated from the people who care for you and the only person left in your lonely life, is the Narcissist them self…and they become your ‘everything.’  You begin to feel ‘less’ and the confidence and joy you once felt, is replaced by a new reality, of walking on egg shells and focusing completely on them and their needs and never your own.

In the worst cases, these dysfunctional relationships can leave you feeling like a shell of your former self and with a deep sense of hopelessness. Sometimes there are children involved and who are employed in the mind games and become a means of punishment when you do not do as they want.

So much of what a narcissist does, comes from a place of fear and ego. When you know this about them, when you see them for where they are in themselves, and not what they want you to believe about yourself and about them, or fear – that’s when you begin to empower yourself. That’s when you remember who you are and not who they think you are.

Rosie Goes©2022